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Tuesday, June 19, 2007

posted on: 5:23 PM

Blunders On A Hot Date

You think you’ve prepared yourself fully for the first serious date with your dream girl. Think again.
You may have gained lots of merit with your wit, humor and intelligence. You could have come across as the most caring and sincere guy compared to her other dates. Alas, you make one wrong move and your chance is blown. What are these invisible landmines?

Below are points highlighted you should NEVER do on a hot date.

(1) - Appearing Desperate.
When you are out on a date, try not to appear as a girlfriend-hunter (or worst still, a wife-hunter). Girls do not appreciate the thought of being somebody’s prey. They like to be treated as individuals and your equal, someone you can work together with for the future.
“Can you be my girlfriend?” Some guys, even the most intelligent and sensitive ones blurt out this one liner on the very first date. This is the closest as you can get to an emotional suicide. You’ve just killed yourself on this battlefield effortlessly.
Some guy are too touchy for the girl to tolerate. A girl wouldn’t fancy a guy who leaves his fingerprints all over her on the first date. On a serious note, some girls wouldn’t hesitate to call the police. Beware!
We advocate blogders/readers to always remember to starts off as friends. That’s what girls appreciate the most. Girls like passion to be develop naturally. Even though it may seem unfair that guys always seem to be taking the initiative, that’s the way things go since eons ago. But taking initiative doesn’t mean that you have to verbalize your intentions or be so intimate physically. Enjoy the outing together and have fun. It’s the first step towards a relationship, and do not forget to communicate.

Des: Ha-ha I admit that when I was young and inexperience, I commit the most silly emotional suicide, to tell her to become my girlfriend on our first date despite our months of friendship online. As I grow, beside learning to get along with people of all kinds around the island. Start to know how to take things slow and steady. On our first date, normally I will try to make it simple but meaning to us. I would go for a dinner at a special selected restaurant then a chill out drink at a café or pub. Instead of going for a movies, clubbing or worst still, window shopping. Come on, get a life, the girl must be thinking.
Only on cases like the girl insist on where she wants to go, then we got to plan the program again (in our mind not mouth!). As for the touchy area, I would only hold her hands while crossing the roads, of course if I sense that she feel’s uncomfortable, I will not continue doing that twice. As for me, I believe there’s no other reasons for me to leave more fingerprints on her then. But unintentionally did we actually wanted to impress anyone?

(2) - Bullshitting.
Some guys think they are the best breeds of humans in the world. They harp on their achievement, some of them imaginary. “I’ve got 10 ex-girlfriends before. They all couldn’t resist me.” “I’ve dabbled in stocks and shares and earned ten thousands.” What the girl doesn’t know is that all the 10 ex-girlfriends ditched him and that he lost millions before earning that pittance of thousands. Girls are discerning these days. Not the gullible trusting princesses of yesteryears. You may find it an ego-booster to talk about your achievements. The girls’ interpretation: You are just too full of yourself. Will there ever be a place for me in his heart? There is no sense of security being with you. Lesson learnt? Be humble and be sincere. Be confident but don’t overdose on the confidence.
Instead of impressing your date by talking about your greatest achievements, the key to a great conversation is being down-to-earth and keeping things light-hearted and positive. Generate a wide list of fun and humorous conversations topics to keep your date entertained. This helps you to avoid awkward silences in between conversations. You may also want to ask questions about her which truly interest you. Getting her to speak up about herself you garner useful information about her and get to know her better.
Women are inquisitive creatures, so you can tell if a girl is interested in you simply by the type of questions she asks. So, if she’s drowning you with personal questions about yourself, brace yourself for the 2nd date, buddy.

Des: Trying to keep an interesting conversation but not too draggy is not easy. But of course I would not go around singing praises about myself. Sometime I would prefer simple low profile. But sometime it’s kinda tough to just drop personal questions to her directly, I afraid that I’m asking far too personal (sexual is out for sure!) as I don really know where’s the bottom line (for her). Normally I drop on questions like, “what’s your leisure beside those commons around?”, “Any meaningful victory you’ve won in this Great Singapore Sales?”, I would like her to know, I can go shopping with her. Well this is all personal, basically go flows with your heart.

(3) - When Guys Talk Down to the Woman.
I’ve known of friends who are such chauvinists that woman shun them like the plaque. The last thing a woman wants to know is you belittling them. Woman these days are gaining control over many aspects. They are entrepreneurs, managers, CEOs. Some even make it to the ranks of top 10 powerful women in the world. On the top of that, they also have to handle the family and bring up children. I take my hats off these women.
Girls hate it when we talk to them in a condescending manner. For all you know, they could be more decisive and in control than what you believe them to be. The stereotype of girls being submissive and indecisive is way outdated. Don’t expect them to de-shell the prawns for you. Maybe out of love they might, but never because they are expected to do so.
Treat women in this modern age with respect. For all you know, they can be your superiors in the workplace and extremely high achievers. Keep your chauvinistic remarks in the deep dungeons of your home and it would be a much more pleasant experience communicating with the people from Venus.

Des: I don denied I fall into this categories. But I would try to control and keep reminding myself to treat people around me equal. But I feel that I am behaving like this only in certain circumstances. But once you blew it, you better start forget the idea of moving next level with her.

(4) - Imposing Themselves on Girls.
Guys will usually take the initiative to ask the girl out on a date. Just before the date, some guys actually instruct the girls to do so many things for them that the girl feel like a errand-girl.
“Can you help me buy movies tickets? Can you help me reserve a place in the restaurant?” The death of chivalry? Maybe. It may also mark the end of any romantic connection the girl wants to have with you.
One strange guy actually requested to stay over at the girl’s house after their first date. Reason being he was locked out his own home and he doesn’t have the keys to enter. The girl would be thinking, first, how careless of him not to have brought his keys out. And second, how to explain a stranger staying over to her folks. A more normal girl would be thinking, what a creep. It seriously gave this particular girl a lot of frustration. Which girl in the right mind would want to be involved with a ‘troublesome’ guy.

Des: To me it fatal, digging into your own grave. The girl must be thinking, why can't you call your buddy for help, instead of impose to a girl you just met? Sometime not even their boyfriends get to stay over-night after late night movies, clubbing or other reasons. Please this is also a sign of desperation.

(5) - Being Wishy Washy.
Being sensitive means he is aware of his actions. He is also aware of how his date is feeling. Too much of a good thing is always bad. Sometimes the bane of being over sensitive is that he may come across as . being wishy washy, indecisive or simply plain irritating.
While seeking the date’s opinion could be a gentlemanly act, do have some idea of where to go as an alternative should the girl cannot decide. Nothing beats having no idea of where to proceed from there. The worst answer to give to a girl is “Anything also can.” Obliging, it may sound, but it shows that you do not care enough to do some extent and to take the initiative. If you want to appear gentlemanly, offer one idea with an alternative at the back of your hand. See her wince at your first idea but fret not, because there’s always a back up (right??).

Des: Yes! I totally agreed on this. Because I also face such problems back in school days or just after. But sometimes I hope the girls I’m dating please, I’m not a street directory (give me a break). Putting off the previous 10 ideas, but keep telling me “I’m okay with anything,(yah right?!)” Singapore had limited entertainment spots to choose from. Shrinking them to places like: café?, pub? (no alcohol please), ktv? (just-the 2 of us?), movies? (I watched with my gfs already.), walking around town? (nothing better to do, my leg is killing me), continue staying where we are? (can‘t you tell I‘m bored?), or “It’s late, shall I send your home? (guess he is not interested in me.) Nothing’s perfect, but just do your best! Ha-ha.

(6) - Bad Dress Sense.
Some guys dress to impress. Some guys just don care about their appearance, thinking that it’s inner beauty that matters. Is that the case? Would these same people like their girls not to shave? Ladies in general do not go for looks when considering a guy for a life partner. They go for qualities such as stability, maturity and humor and someone who can bring them happiness. However does sloppy dressing help? Do you really think you look cool?
Basic things first. Guys do need to appear well kempt and groomed. Dress appropriately for the occasion. Put in some choosing what to wear. That means no flip flop for a dinner in town. That said, you also won’t be needing a tuxedo for a simple dinner date. Being overdressed will put pressure on the girl. Remember that a date is supposed to be a relaxing time to chill out. No point putting pressure on yourself to appear like Prince Charming.

Des: I had headache over-night thinking of what to wear for our first date. I don want to be a fashion disasters. Dressed simple, worried she might think I show there’s no importance on our first date. Over dressed could pressure her or simply embarrassed her too. Find out and understand her dress sense, her online profile?, her photos, and from her friends! Would you want to walk around town with Jolin Tsai or Xu Chun Mei? Ha-ha.

(7) - Being Mama’s Boy
“Hey, my mum says I got to be home before ten today.” “My mum picked this shirt for me.” “My mum decided that I should go to university.” Mum, mum, mum. Remember that there is nothing wrong being filial to your parents. But never let your mum’s presence dominate the date. A girl values a guy who is independent and has aspirations on his own. The overpowering parental presence during your first date with her won’t help. It probably shows that you have been groomed carefully by your parents, just like the way a bonsai has been trimmed to perfection by the botanist.
You are not your parents’ puppet. Show her that you have a mind of your own. Make decisions yourself. Show her that you are a dynamic individual with a unique personality. Capitalize on your good points and talk about them in a confident way (when appropriate).

Des: Guess I’m pretty safe from this situation. Well I think there’s nothing wrong being filial too. So I don wish to comment much on this.

(8) - Being Ungentlemanly.
Girls frequently comment that all the gentleman in the world are extinct. The men they date seem to be barbarians just out from the deep jungles of Pulau Tekong. One girl friend of mine was quite happy that the guy opened the door for her but before she knew it the glass door slammed in her face. She ended up with a bruised nose and forehead. The girl never wanted to see the guy ever again.
Men, come on, it doesn’t take much to be a gentleman. Hold the door open for her. Offer to pay on the first date. Send her home after the date. Simple acts like this show that you are care. Girls appreciate these gentlemanly acts.

Des: To me, it a crime if you failed this. Open and hold the door for her, but I face girl who open together on the same time from the other sider, perhaps she just don give a shit of it? Paying on our first date, sure !why not? It's my pleasure. While crossing the road, I will be on the side nearer to the upcoming vehicles, when on the second path (change of directions from right to left) I would at hold her hands on her shoulder to ensure her safety. Would try my very best to protect and ensure her from any possible embarrassment. Lastly, sending her home at least to her lobby or best ( I would prefer) to her door step (if she’s okay with it too). Even sometimes when I am out with a group of girls, if possible I would send them home and drop last, unless the group heads all different directions no choice of course I would send my dream girl home! But give the others a call to ensure their safety too.

9) - Being Rude.
Girls are attentive creatures. They keep a lookout for how you behave every second. It’s not enough just to treat your date like a princess. She’s also observing how you treat the people around you. Girls think that is a good way to judge your personality.
It took half an hour for a steak to be served to the guy. He got frustrated.
“Why so slow?!” The guy grunted at the waitress in the restaurant. The waitress apologized profusely but the guy pursued the matter.
“I don care. I want to see your boss.” He kicked up a fuss and made a scene, interrupting the serenity of the romantic restaurant. His intention of wanting faster service was not wrong - but it also revealed the flaws in his character, that he is impatient and hot-tempered.
So guy, remember that girls appreciate guys who are truly nice people, not someone who just treat her well. Treat the people around you with respect.

Des: Sometimes I can be rude, wait, wait, hear from me first. Because there's really some girls who were rude and offensive so I guess it leave me with no other options but to speak up. I don worry when I’m doing this because I believe I am doing something right and I am not rude to people around me, unless when joking, might unintentional offended them. We can't give in every time just because they are girls, because there's some who just take advantage of you. But as long as she did not cross my patient, I will still try to contains with her.

(10) - Checking Other Women Out.
Have you ever been in a situation where you are with your date and a very beautiful girl dressed sexily in a low cut dress walked past. Uncontrollably your eyes gravitate towards her finally, your head turns 180 degrees. This, she notice very easily.
Most girls don mind you looking at the other attractive girls (subtly). But do not comment on how great or sexy they look. It’s really irritating to them. If you are really serious about your dream girl, she will be the only girl in your eyes. Other girls will not leave any impression on you.

Des: Of course I would not do it in a very obvious way, if I had to shut my eyes for the rest for the day, why not? After today there still a lot of girl out there in the world right? Compliment on other girls right in front of her is suicide, she must be thinking who is the real dream girl in your heart? Just keep it to yourself, then when you are home, you can share with friends lolx! (if you really need to). Respect the girl on the date with you.

CONCLUSION:
Remember that a date is a time for you to impress your dream girl. Prepared you may be but these are some mistakes that you probably won’t want to make. Now that you are more aware of them, I hope my advice helps make your hot date a sizzling one.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
- CHUNG PIN SOON is the senior consultant and author of Love Clinic, and is currently a final year medical student. Well known among his friends as a dating expert, he specializes in solving challenging relationship problems. Always keen to lend a listening ear, many friends and colleagues regularly consult him for advice.

- DESMOND TAN is the owner of this blog. A sales specialist in retail industry. Friends often compliment how well he handle the circle of girl-friends around. From his Friendster’s testimonial/comments, read on to know more. Always keen to lend a listening ear. But this doesn’t mean we ourselves don’t need helps from others. We are all human beings.

Dessy Desmond Tan.
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